Late one night a burglar broke into a house where he thought no one was home. He quietly walked into the living room and suddenly heard a voice say "Jesus is Watching You". He froze in his tracks; but after hearing nothing else for a couple of minutes, he slowly crept forward and instantly heard, "Jesus is Watching You". Frightened, he frantically shined his flashlight in the direction of the voice and saw a bird cage with a parrot inside. Cautiously he asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," replied the parrot. Breathing a hugh sigh of relief, the burglar asked the parrot, "So, whats your name?" The bird responded, "Clarence." "What a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the pit bull Jesus."
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: " the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says: "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer". The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one cost 1,000 dollars. "Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner replys: " this parrot knows everything that the first parrot knows and can program in Unix". The increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, and was told by the owner that he cost 2,000 dollars. Needless to say, this begs the question "What can this parrot do?" To which the owner replies: "to be honest, I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him Boss!".
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.There was only one problem: The Captains parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?". The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, because it was the Captains parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another and another. After a week the parrot finally said: "OK, I give up!, what did you do with the ship?".
There is this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this birds foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "Quit it!". This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says "OK for you" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes around. Then suddenly, it gets really Quiet. At first the guy just waits, then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "I am really sorry for the trouble I have made. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is amazed. He cannot understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
A lady went to an auction and fell in love with a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eight fifty!" "Nine fifty!" go the next several bids, and the lady bid "One thousand dollars!" Bidding goes on this way for several minutes until she found herself the proud owner of a parrot for $1000 dollars. She approached the auctioneer and asked him "Can the bird talk?" to which the auctioneer replied "Lady, who do you think was bidding against you?"
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally fly at it. If the windshield doesn't break, its likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximately the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineers chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her politely for a large whiskey. There's a parrot in the seat next to him, who snaps, "Make it a double scotch, and make it quick!". "Yes, sir" the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink-but ignores the guy. The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another". The stewardess gets him his second drink, ignoring the guy again. The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink politely. He decides to use the parrots tactics and snarls at the stewardess, "You idiot!, get me my whiskey, and make it snappy!". Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane. As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...".
Parrot In Pet Store
A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."
Drunk Parrot
A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Deposit
Sitting on a branch overlooking the parking lot, the pigeons watched as a Mercedes pulled in below them. "What do you think?" one bird said to the other. "Should we put a deposit on that car?"
